"You can't get a harvest without sewing a seed"

I can't believe how long it has been since I have written a blog. Life gets the best of us sometimes. Which brings me right to today's post!

I have been struggling lately with how people treat me. I let my personal problems get the best of me and I often forget to trust in God. FULLY TRUST. Because I could half ass it any day, which is usually what I do. Something hit me today, hard. When I am having personal problems, the best thing I can do is trust in God and go be a blessing to someone else.

"You can't get a harvest without sewing a seed" I need to get out of my head. Get MYSELF off of my mind, get my needs and problems off of my mind, and go be a blessing. Lord, let me delight myself in you! Go help the needy, go volunteer at church, donate to the hungry...there are so many ways.

Sometimes, it's hard for me to let go and let God, especially when I am not seeing results. Then, I look back at my progress and realize how far I have come. I have learned the practice of grace and true forgiveness. The beauty of moving on, holding on, and staying calm. You can't change anyone - only God can do that. Stop spinning your wheels. He's got this!

Anger. Anger is something I struggle with...big time. I have absolutely no shame in admitting it. When I clear my head and really think about the anger I let take place, I think about this. What did it accomplish? I just look like an ass, every time. Kill em with kindness. We often think killing people with kindness won't be "fair" and won't make us feel any better. Stop believing that. Do it and you will be proven wrong. Every time - you will feel GOOD. You will feel new. I know this because I always do. When I am angry and I react instead of respond and when I think for at least 5 seconds before I speak and respond with a positive approach, it works.

All of these burdens I carry- I often forget to just ...pray, speak to God and give it all to Him.

Psalm...oh how I love thee
God says this: "Don't be concerned when others mistreat you. I'll take care of it!"
1. Don't fret!
2. Trust God and do good!
3. Commit your way to Him, and He will bring it to pass.

Psalm 37: 5
"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you."

Time has been FLYING here lately. I blinked. My son is 9 months and I'll be planning his 1st birthday party soon. My Hal will be FOUR in 5 months. Before I say "how unfair." Let me say "how awesome." We often tend to look at time as a burden. But What if I hadn't been blessed with these months and years. The years, months, minutes and seconds that have flown by have been so good. I am so lucky to be able to stay home with my kids and teach, nurture, and love them. I am happy. And I am thankful. (:


COMING UP: Thankful Thursdays! I'm starting a new series every Thursday to dedicate a post to what I am thankful for. All the small & big things I sometimes forget could be taken away in a spit second! God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Tie Yourself to the Mast

Today is the first day in a long time I've actually had the time to sit down, relax, and write a blog. I've been slacking. I probably could've squeezed in the time. But, motherhood comes first. About 2 weeks ago, we made the big move to Charleston, SC. It is so beautiful here. There are hundreds of new places to explore. I will never run out of options. A favorite so far is James Island County Park. Hallie loves the splash park, the playground. Just yesterday, we went there to have a picnic and our bible study lesson. Hallie made some friends and so did I! It was lovely. Jon ate a few leaves and crawled after his big sis all day.

In other news, I am finally following my passion for photography! I had my first shoot with a dear friend a week ago at Morris Island. I have 5 other shoots scheduled in the next 3 months. I'm offering them for free because I really just want to get in the practice for right now. Get the feel for things. I'm so lucky to have my two babies to practice on, too. I'll be shooting some pics of them here in Charleston sometime this weekend! I will soon be using my blog to advertise my pics as well, so stay tuned. :)

Lately, being a mother has taken every single second of my time. I cannot seem to catch up. We just got back from strolling the neighborhood. I wasn't aware of how BIG it was until now. The kids are down for a nap, Hallie goes straight to bed if she has Bella. But Jon has to fall asleep in my arms. Some days I wish he would go to sleep on his own. But, when he does, I pick him up in his sleep and rock him. Maybe I am crazy. I don't understand how some moms do it. Especially working full time. I can't imagine. I would miss all of these priceless moments. Being able to spend all of my time with these two can sometimes be frustrating and exhausting. To me, it's the most important work I could ever do. Being a homemaker can either go one way or the other. I love it and couldn't imagine my life any different. Do I wish I had an income? Yes. More money would be nice. But it isn't worth it to me, right now at least. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. Feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have SO much to do. SO little time. Why does it have to go so fast? Why can't there be more time in the day. I feel so much guilt when I do housework and don't put all of my attention on these kids. I have to quickly remind myself I am not perfect. And we do need clean clothes, right? Ha! Anyway, I got in the kitchen last night and worked my magic. And it hit me. With the music on and a wooden spoon in my hand, I finally realized what I was missing for the past couple of weeks. My therapy. Cooking. Baking. Making masterpieces for my family. Oh the joy it brings me. I made a huge mess, I'm not used to having a small kitchen. Thank goodness the hubs came to the rescue and helped with dishes. Don't know how I would make it without that man!

As I was doing my bible study this morning with my usual 3rd cup of coffee, the lesson REALLY spoke to me and started a fire in my soul. A good fire. A lesson I will pass on to my husband this afternoon that I hope we can remember until death do us part. And then I realized another thing. This is so random, but, I suck at commitment. I mean I REALLY suck at commitment. Whether it be a play date, job, finishing a book, or a relationship. This is solely the main reason I refuse to homeschool. I would be terrible at it. Preschool homeschool is a different story. I see no point in preschool for my kids if I can teach them their ABCs and 123s (and all the other important good stuff of course). I've been doing it for 3 years already so why stop? There have been a few times in our marriage where I tried to bolt. I saw conflict, I saw too many differences, I wanted to run. I am SO happy I didn't. There are some days where we take 7 steps backward. Some where we take 3 forward. But lately, we have found more common ground to just meet in the middle no matter where we are each standing. I'm going to share the message. I choose different plans from my YouVersion app along with devotional books, but this is out of the app in the plan "Marriage: A Lifelong Journey"

Tie Yourself to the Mast
Are you unhappy in your marriage? If so, you might be interested to learn that two-thirds of unhappy couples who stay together say their relationship is significantly better within five years. To achieve that, it'll require you and your spouse to "tie yourselves to the mast". In case you're wondering, a mast is a post on a boat or ship. I googled it, no shame here.

In Odyssey, Homer's epic work, Odysseus encountered the mysterious Island of the Sirens. The creatures inhabiting the island possessed enchanting voices that distracted sailors from their journey, imprisoning them forever. As Odysseus' crew passed by, the creatures sang their beautiful song. But Odysseus knew the dangers. He put wax in his crew's ears and ordered that he be tied securely to the ship's mast to prevent him from being lured away by their seductive melody. Odysseus also commanded they stay true to their course no matter how bad their circumstances seemed.

Marriages in our culture (guilty) have become more transient. Too often we'll throw out relationships at the first sign of trouble. But God created marriage to be a covenant - a deeply binding commitment designed to help us weather our most difficult circumstances. It requires us to "tie ourselves to the mast." You have to dismiss the voices that try to lure you away from your marriage or convince you that divorce is an easy answer to your troubles.

God speaks to me every day telling me to love. That .one word. -love- goes so far for me. It enables me to see the beauty in everyone and everything. I have to see the beauty in my mistakes and the beauty in my failures. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be pushing and pushing myself to be a better version of mommy and wife, a better version of the woman God wanted me to be. Every day is a new day, a new chance for me to live better. To give it my all. I am SO happy to be married to a man who loves me through the toughest storms. He doesn't let me go. No matter how hard I push him away. God put this man in my life to ...save... me. I needed saving. And I wasn't letting God in. I am so happy I finally opened that door. I owe so much to my husband, and the beauty in that is that he doesn't expect anything. He just does it because well, he loves me. :)

Here are a few snaps of our day. I've been working on being a hands free mama, which means putting the phone down and really engaging with the kids. We went for a stroll around our neighborhood. Chatted with neighbors. Shared waves and smiles. Jon didn't miss a thing. And Hallie talked about all the animals. She thanked me for taking her out because she loves getting sunshine in her heart. Yes, she said that. Word for word. My kids are amazing.

                                                   

Don't die on every hill

One of my favorite blogs is nittygrittylove.com
The post I read today really tugged at my heart strings. I fail my husband daily, but he still loves me in spite of my ugliness. I can be super impatient. Complain WAY too much. And not so fun to be around sometimes. I could name a few reasons why I act this way...buttttttttt a better word for them would be "excuses". Marriage is about sacrifice, compromising, and effort. Effort. E f f o r t. Daily. Wisdom. Patience. EFFORT. I can't say that word enough. It takes work. You can't give up. Coming from someone who has tried giving up a few times, I have learned to take the good with the bad. Never EXPECT anything. Ask for it. Aside from marriage, being a Christian means you have to take your eyes off of everyone else and look at yourself. Stop judging, stop reasoning with others mistakes. What could I have done to help the situation? What did I do to make it worse? Asking myself these questions and learning God's wisdom has brought me so much peace. Less guilt. Focusing on what I can bring to my marriage has really painted a better picture for us. Never give up hope. Never give up, ever.

Communicating kindly during an argument or tough subject is something I struggle with immensely! Here is a list of the Ten Simple Tips to Communicating Kindly from the post I read today off of nittygrittylove.com (I summarized some in my own words)
1. Don't be stingy with encouraging words.
2. Let the small things go. Don't nitpick the way your spouse does chores. Thank him and move on.
3. Cheer him on! He wants you to be his biggest fan.
4. Don't die on every hill. Do you want to be right or happy?
5. SMILE MORE! Lift your eyebrows. It's proven to make others less defensive.
6. Say thank you. We all work hard. We all need to be thanked for our efforts.
7. Complain wisely. Not every little annoyance needs attention.
8. Cushion criticism. Say something positive before and after a negative comment.
9. Empathize. Try to see a different perspective. It can change the whole tone of the convo.
10. Pray for wisdom.
Wisdom of God's word is something I always thirsted for. I remember going to church and not really hearing what was said. Not applying it. Not nurturing the scripture. Until finally, one day...it hit me like a brick wall. I was only going to learn what God wanted from me by READING. By praying for wisdom. By READING the wisdom he so effortlessly put before us. Things began to change. I read my bible daily. I spent time with God daily, even if for 15 minutes. Now, more than ever, I find so much peace around me. It doesn't all have to be perfect. I just have to try. I just have to tell God I need him every day. I have to surrender.
Today was a good day. I'd like to think it was a perfect day, really! We spent most of our time outside. Swinging, talking, eating, admiring nature, and making "pie". At one point, we stepped inside for my favorite song, How He Loves by David Crowder Band. And as I danced with Hallie in my arms, I cried. I was suddenly overwhelmed with joy. A good, emotional feeling. She laid her head on my shoulder. And we danced. For the whole song. It was beautiful. I listened to the words and they hit me hard. Oh, how He loves us! Then, my outspoken 3 year old spoke up. "Mama, you are dancin cause you had too much coffee"! The tears dried and we laughed. For minutes upon minutes. A giggle fit, I like to call it. At that point, we were just laughing at each other laughing. I went back to reading and she went back to playing. She stood in the doorway and told me she "ubbs" me. She stops me in my tracks about 5 times a day to tell me how much she loves me. Sometimes it's only just "a little". But most of the time it's "too much". And just when I am sinking in guilt for feeling like a failure, this quickly reminds me I'm doing it right. I'm teaching her to love. And love always remains.

Dearly loved

I just got a call from my grandfather asking me if we are moving to Charleston. "yes, we are looking for places now," Reality hit me. I'm moving almost 3 hours away. It is a bitter and sweet emotion. Bitter because I won't be able to drive 5 miles down the road and see my family. I'm moving away from my daddy. My rock. Woah. They will be over 200 miles away. Everything I look at in Aiken has changed lately. The small things that I never noticed are brighter, more significant, more defined. I was driving down the road yesterday and realized I always take the long way to church because of the back roads I know so well. Driving down Banks Mill towards the only life I've ever known. C & H Mobile Home Park. The big pond. The little pond. Nanny and papa's house. Oh how blessed I have been my whole life to have all of these wonderful people in my life showering me in love each and every day. I'll hold tight to the memories and reminisce when we visit. I'll remember moving from trailer to trailer with my dad in my grandparents home park. Digging holes in yards with my cousins. Adventure seeking with my friends. Hotdogs and sandwich bread. French toast sticks. Bike riding. Running through everyone's yard. Swinging with my mammy. Cook outs at nanny and papas. Cooking for my daddy at age 10. Bonfires with daddy. Camping. All the good stuff. I'm holding back tears. And I know that when I make the last haul with the hubs with all of our "stuff" ...I'll have to pull over. I'm going to lose it. They are good tears. Happy tears. I have suddenly become overwhelmed in knowing how much I am loved. That no matter how many times I have let me family down, they are always there. And even 200 miles away, they still will be. They'll come visit, we will visit. And our time together will be special. The feeling is also sweet. My family gets a fresh start. A new page in a huge book. We will have the chance to do nothing but EXPLORE for months and months before finding our favorite spots. Our favorite coffee shops, parks, beaches. We get to go on this adventure together, and that my friends is something I will cherish till my last breath. I am proud of us! We are taking a huge leap of faith. Surrendering to God and moving to a town we know nothing about, only from what we have heard and read.

I'm ready! Let's do this. I have unshakable faith. I am anxious to get my Associates Degree in Vet Technology. I'm ready to show my kids a different scene. I'm ready for this change. It makes me most happy because of who I am doing it with. My husband and my kids. Jonathan worked very hard to make this move possible for us. And it really hit me today. He saw the dream I had, and he made it happen. That man loves me with every ounce of his being. I'm pretty blessed. Marriage isn't always fun. It's all about compromise. No judgment, pure patience. And every single second is a learning experience. I vowed my life to this man and I will vow to him every day to make him happy. Because seeing him happy makes me happy.

Lets hop back to a week ago when I took the kids to see my bestie for her 24th birthday and visit the zoo. Here are some pictures of our day. The weather was perfect. The kids were well behaved. All in all, it was the perfect day.

Happy 6 months!

You turned 6 months old today. The time is flying. Looking back at your birthday, I still chuckle. And probably tell anyone who ever looks at you and says, "woah, he's huge"! I always respond with, "he weighed almost 11 pounds when he was born"! You will be hearing about this for the r e s t         o f y o u r l i f e! Those 24+ hours were hellacious. I remember telling your dad to tell everyone to leave the room and walking into the bathroom and loosing it. Crying because I was tired of being in labor and nothing was happening. Just like magic, daddy snapped his fingers, G-paw made a little scene, and the nurses popped my water. It wasn't long after that I was pushing and had a nurse on top of me assisting with pushing you out. They laid you on my chest and you just looked at me. Not crying, just looking at me. And you felt huge. That feeling was comfirmed when the doctor told us you weighed a whopping 10 pounds and 13.6 ounces. Telling this story will never get old for me, but for you it will, I am sure.

You love splashing
You are trying to pull yourself up
You love finger snacks and don't like eating much else yet
You are trying to talk
You find your sister funnier than anyone else
You hate your car seat
You LOVE bella
I sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" every night and you fall asleep before I can finish the song


You bring so much joy into our lives. From just two weeks old, you've smiled and laughed more than any baby I have ever known. Your best tickle spot is your neck. And your giggles are what turn my moods around quicker than a snap! Just the other day, I put some spinach cheetos on your high chair and you picked one up with your thumb and index finger and took a bite and I about lost it. It was so CUTE but so unfair. I wish time would slow down. I am enjoying every moment of watching you grow up. You have recently starting blabbing, I wouldn't call it talking. You get frustrated when someone takes anything from you and anytime you don't have our attention, you make it known that you want it! You adore anything big sis does. Especially when she jumps up and down making silly noises. It cracks you up! Who knew, at the age of 23, I would be a mama to a sweet little boy and almost 4 year old little girl. I thank God for the two of you every day. I am so thankful for how blessed I am. You are always happy, always smiling, always into something. The sweetest little boy on the PLANET. Mommy loves you, and I look forward to every day to come.

You are precious in every way. The sunshine in my day; the joy in my soul. And the love of my life.

I'll love you forever, and always...always. My baby you'll be.
Love, mom.

Happy.

My mind has been racing with thoughts this past week. Negative and positive. I have decided I am way too hard on myself. I need to take it easy more, and worry less. Especially when it comes to things only Jesus can control. Hallie and I were watching Gilmore Girls earlier tonight, which used to be mine and my moms favorite show to watch together. I remember she would call me and tell me when a new episode came on, and she always reminded me she was watching it because it reminded her of us. And boy do I think of her each and every time I watch this show. During watching TV, which may I add, Hallie thoroughly watches this show with me. To be 3 years old, I don't understand how it could interest her but she stays in tune well. Anyway, I started scratching Hallie's back, and she went to pull her shirt up so I wasn't scratching through her shirt. This. Tugged. At. My. Heart. Strings. So. Bad. The first thought that raced through my head was, "it's my turn..." But I also silently cried. I wish you were here to scratch my back. Even though I'm almost 24 years old, I need my mama. Those were the most thoughtful, softest, bestest back scratches I've ever received in my entire life. I miss them. Once I remembered it is my turn, to be a gentle, loving mama, I also thought about how lonely I have felt lately. I feel like I have no friends. I have my best friends. I always will, Julie and Anna. But we live very busy, different lives and I barely get to see them. Other than that, the word friend in my book is toast. I need friends who have children who want to see me more than once a month or once a year. This is definitely something I will be working hard on in the next coming weeks but especially when/if we move to Charleston. I say "if" because there's a chance we may be moving to Greenville. I need friends because I like talking, actually I love it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to just shut the hell up. I need other mommy friends who can relate to the stuff I face day to day, someone to cut up with, someone I can trust. But, even while desiring more friends and feeling lonely, I remembered something so important. I have everything. I have two, beautiful, healthy, happy children. Two children who wake up every day happy to see me. Who need me. To feed and care for them like no one else can. To listen. To play with. To learn from. These kids have struck every last nerve possible these past few days. After all, being a stay at home mom means always being with them unless I'm lucky and get a break. The days are flying by. They are growing up. Before I blink, Hallie will be 4 and Jon will be 1. It is mind blowing. Time is something I will never understand. It feels like yesterday I was a brand new mommy holding Hallie for the first time. And now, while still learning something new every day, I'm a great mom. A mom who chooses to put my kids before anything and everyone, excluding my husband and Christ--of course. But. I really have to pat myself on the back, because I barely do. I'm pretty darn good at this mom thing. And for that, I am happy. 

One of the best feelings in the world thus far is telling Hallie I love her and hearing her reply, "I ubb you too, mama..." It never gets old. It gets better every time. 

If you can dream it, you can do it

"We have more to learn from animals than animals have to learn from us."
                                                    -Anthony Williams

Animals are my favorite. Well, mainly dogs. There is something about these four legged friends that have captured every inch of my heart since I was a little girl. Especially boston terriers.. (I can never leave that out). I had dreams of becoming a Veterinarian when I was younger and that didn't happen. After years of experience, both being an uncertified Vet Assistant in Lexington, volunteering, and kennel work at a few Veterinary hospitals, I truly feel that it isn't settling to become a Veterinary Technician. It's a dream come true. I mean, after all, I can easily admit I don't think I have what it takes to make it into Vet school. Actually, I know I don't. I am okay with that! On the other hand, I even doubted myself in the past to think that one day I would be able to earn an Associates Degree through Veterinary Technology. Now, it's time. After two kids and over three years of being a stay at home mom, it's time. It's now or never. And I am SO EXCITED. I am also sad. I will miss being able to spend almost ALL my time with these kiddos. I am scared. So scared. I am scared to fail. I've attempted 2 tech colleges a few times and have walked away with 2 classes I actually passed. Ironically, I am thankful to admit it is because I wasn't really even trying...
I withdrew a few classes here and there. So now, more than ever, I will TRY MY DAMNDEST. I mean it this time, and I am so happy that I finally have a grip on how important it is to have a college education. Not just an education, but a career you LOVE.

"The most wonderful thing in the world is somebody who knows who they are, and knows what they were created to do." -Bishop Jakes

"Almost every successful person begins with two beliefs: the future can be better than the present, and I have the power to make it so." -Author unknown
This brings me to the fact that in SC, the only two Technical Colleges that offer this degree are in Charleston, SC and Greenville, SC. We are hoping and praying to make it to Charleston, hopefully before this July. The sooner the better, actually. It's an adventure. A huge step out of our comfort zone. We don't want to settle for Lexington, and especially Aiken. Aiken is a nice place to be to see family and friends, but other than that. It's a hole. IT SUCKS YOU INNN! And I think we've had enough. We want more. We want different. We want....new. I can't believe we are actually doing it. Yes, it's still in SC. But it's about 160 minutes away from our family. And we have a lotttt of family, together at least. So this is pretty huge for us. I am proud of the courage we have. I am ready for the change. Once again, I am SO EXCITED! Jonathan has an interview with a pretty huge company next week. SO fingers crossed and loads of prayers will be said.

Hurricane Hallie

If there is an object that has space inside to stuff stuff, you're gonna use it. A hat, a sock, a pillow case, any type of bag. You like to find every tiny little object possible and stuff it inside. It's rather entertaining at times watching you. You love pockets, too. 

You are my love child. Just full of loving ways. You can't go 10 minutes without telling someone you love them. When you meet someone for the first time, you are shy. But when you warm up to them (at your own, sloooooooooow pace), you are so sweet and loving. 

Your personality is so strong! When you want something, you are quick to make it known. With your serious facial expressions to the tone you use, you really can capture anyone's full attention. You're dramatic. You get this from me. Hey, at least I can admit it! 

Just the other day, I went to get a cup of coffee and when you asked me what I was doing and I told you. You quickly chimed back and told me I didn't need anymore. "You've had enough mama"!

Yesterday. You were talking on your play phone. You were "at work". I asked who you were talking to and you stopped in your tracks to correct yourself and remind me that "I cannot have my phone at work, it's against the rules". What a smart kid you are. 

2 years of marriage and lots of random stuff...

How long will I love you? As long as the stars are above you. And longer if I may...

Jonathan and I celebrated 2 years of marriage yesterday. There were times in our marriage that I was sure it wasn't going to work. Times I wanted to throw in the towel. Today, I have learned that you have two major choices in a marriage. To give in or give up. By giving in, you give it effort. A lot of effort. I have learned to wake up every day and count my blessings, twice. After that, I ask God to lead me through my day. I pray for the guidance to help me do everything in my power to be selfless in my marriage, and to be kind and patient with Jonathan. Of course I pray for much more in other areas of my life. But, I will say...when my spouse is happy, and I feel that I can take credit for that, I am happy. Everything else seems to flow nicely. Here's a list of 10 things I have learned that are so important in the last two years of marriage.

Before I start, I feel the need to admit I have typed all of this with one hand because I don't want to put my coffee down. Hi, my name is Kayla, and I am addicted to coffee...

1. Be the first to apologize.
2. Have grace. Tons of it. About 3 cups a day.
3. LISTEN! Twice as much as you talk.
4. Give credit and take blame.
5. It's more important to be kind than it is to be right.
6. Giving up is not an option. Mean your vows.
7. Date your spouse. Once a week.
8. Verbally express your love, not through text or social media. But face to face.
9. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's green where you water it.
10. Put the phone away and be there. Be there, always.

Maybe, just maybe...the better comes after the worse. That's the case with my marriage, at least...it gets better every day, regardless of the hardships that come our way. We get through them, and for that. I am proud.

Jonathan,
Thank you. Thank you for being my light in a very dark place. For loving me when I am sure I am not very lovable. For being there, always. Through sickness and health. When things aren't that fun. You are the realist who anchors my dreaming. Thanks for being a good time when I need it most. For listening when I need to be heard. For being my shoulder to cry on. But most of all, thank you for loving me, unconditionally.

On another note, Jon said mama today! TWICE!!! He saw me and mumbled it. Then, I walked away and he cried, "maamaaa"! My heart left my body and ran behind me to pick him up and jump up and down all over the kitchen. I was so happy. Mama is his first word.

I planned to upload some pics from this week when we soaked up some sunshine. Here they are!

Randoms...
Hallie pronounces ranch, wrench
Jon currently loves jumping up and down, he does his own little jig
Hallie loves cooking, pretend and real
Jon is becoming more verbal day by day