Happy.

My mind has been racing with thoughts this past week. Negative and positive. I have decided I am way too hard on myself. I need to take it easy more, and worry less. Especially when it comes to things only Jesus can control. Hallie and I were watching Gilmore Girls earlier tonight, which used to be mine and my moms favorite show to watch together. I remember she would call me and tell me when a new episode came on, and she always reminded me she was watching it because it reminded her of us. And boy do I think of her each and every time I watch this show. During watching TV, which may I add, Hallie thoroughly watches this show with me. To be 3 years old, I don't understand how it could interest her but she stays in tune well. Anyway, I started scratching Hallie's back, and she went to pull her shirt up so I wasn't scratching through her shirt. This. Tugged. At. My. Heart. Strings. So. Bad. The first thought that raced through my head was, "it's my turn..." But I also silently cried. I wish you were here to scratch my back. Even though I'm almost 24 years old, I need my mama. Those were the most thoughtful, softest, bestest back scratches I've ever received in my entire life. I miss them. Once I remembered it is my turn, to be a gentle, loving mama, I also thought about how lonely I have felt lately. I feel like I have no friends. I have my best friends. I always will, Julie and Anna. But we live very busy, different lives and I barely get to see them. Other than that, the word friend in my book is toast. I need friends who have children who want to see me more than once a month or once a year. This is definitely something I will be working hard on in the next coming weeks but especially when/if we move to Charleston. I say "if" because there's a chance we may be moving to Greenville. I need friends because I like talking, actually I love it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to just shut the hell up. I need other mommy friends who can relate to the stuff I face day to day, someone to cut up with, someone I can trust. But, even while desiring more friends and feeling lonely, I remembered something so important. I have everything. I have two, beautiful, healthy, happy children. Two children who wake up every day happy to see me. Who need me. To feed and care for them like no one else can. To listen. To play with. To learn from. These kids have struck every last nerve possible these past few days. After all, being a stay at home mom means always being with them unless I'm lucky and get a break. The days are flying by. They are growing up. Before I blink, Hallie will be 4 and Jon will be 1. It is mind blowing. Time is something I will never understand. It feels like yesterday I was a brand new mommy holding Hallie for the first time. And now, while still learning something new every day, I'm a great mom. A mom who chooses to put my kids before anything and everyone, excluding my husband and Christ--of course. But. I really have to pat myself on the back, because I barely do. I'm pretty darn good at this mom thing. And for that, I am happy. 

One of the best feelings in the world thus far is telling Hallie I love her and hearing her reply, "I ubb you too, mama..." It never gets old. It gets better every time.